Choosing hobby projects

I recently read a Derek Yu article, Finishing a Game (Derek designed Spelunky), and one piece of advice has been surprisingly applicable to how I think about hobby projects:

I’ve found that there are three types of games that pique my interest: games I want to make, games I want to have made, and games I’m good at making.

Games I want to make are games where the process itself seems really fun. Maybe the mechanic seems really fun to experiment with, or maybe there’s a character I really want to animate.

Games I want to have made are games where I’m more interested in the result than in getting there. Maybe it’s a “no-limits” concept (“OMG, GTA meets Final Fantasy meets Starcraft meets…”) or just a neat idea that’s not necessarily any fun to implement.

Games I’m good at making are games that are suited to my personality and which I have experience in making. Perhaps there’s a certain genre that you naturally gravitate towards and which you understand the rhythm and flow of very well.

In my opinion, the ideas with the most potential (to be finished, at least) fall into all three categories and also satisfy the requirement “I have the time and resources to actually make this”.

Aside: I've had an interesting relationship with hobby projects (computer games / programs, board games, math projects, writing projects, etc.) over the years. The earliest attitude I remember was "It's really important for me to finish this project"; I used to feel really bad when I didn't finish projects. Fairly recently, I semi-decided to stop feeling bad about this, which was probably possible because I'd decided that my impact on the world was going to come from my job, and so the relieved pressure on hobby projects made it possible to not worry about whether I finish hobby projects. Sometimes I say "my hobby is starting projects", and I'm a lot more satisfied with this approach.

However, it's still unsettling to me sometimes to unexpectedly realize that I probably won't finish a project. Derek's trifecta let me put labels on common causes:

1. I no longer want to work on the project: specifically, the project enters a phase that I'm actually not interested in. For example, in board games, that's creating a lot of art or separate components (like cards) and playtesting; in computer games, that's creating art, animation, levels, etc.; in programming, it's most often a stage where I find out that the appropriate tool is a complex library that will feel like working at Google to use (i.e. instead of writing programs from scratch, I spend my time decoding bad documentation). This is the most common reason for me not finishing a project.
2. I no longer want to have finished this project: my aesthetic for projects fluctuates a lot, so sometimes I wake up and no longer see the appeal of a project. I usually find that if I just want a day or a week, it comes back, but that's not always true. This is the least common reason for me never finishing a project, but is a common delay.
3. I'm no longer good at this project: I don't actually understand how this is different from 1. I don't really like doing things I'm not good at. Is that typical for humans?

I accidentally started applying Derek's method after reading his article, and it's increasingly affecting how I choose hobby projects; although I'm pretty chill these days about not finishing projects, I do like finishing them if I can, and in a perfect world I finish more of them. In particular, I've started seeking projects that aren't likely to run into stopping-cause 1, e.g. game-programming projects in genres that don't require much content creation. During a project, I can sometimes anticipate that a plan is likely to run into cause 1, and then make an alternate plan that avoids it. I've started to learn 3d graphics, since I think basic 3d graphics (of the kind that can be made without spending a lot of time sculpting and animating models) look better than basic 2d graphics (of the kind that can be made without spending a lot of time drawing and animating sprites).

A bigger move I've been considering is to explicitly give up on finishing board games, and just be pleasantly surprised if I do finish one. It looks to me (and I'd be surprised if pro game designers didn't agree) like basically all of board game design is playtesting, and I'm just not very interested in that. (I might find that it's not so hard to make a fun game AI to play against and playtest that way, but so far I've found it to be pretty hard.)

I'm not sure if I'll give up on finishing board games, since it does feel kind of bad. It'll be interesting to see if giving up on finishing makes me less interested in starting board games, and whether I think that's good or bad.

Overall, a surprisingly useful way of thinking -- I read a fair number of advice-style blog posts, and most of them don't turn into useful tools like this! Nice work, Derek. 

Liveblog: attempting to break a work block

"Work blocks" are, as far as I can tell, my biggest current work problem right now. The basic scenario is:

1. There's a project that's the right thing for me to do now. (Important, time-sensitive, etc.)
2. I don't actually work on it.
3. I don't work on anything else either.

I have a work block today. My time log looks like this:

Task	Start	End	Duration
Email	7:30	8:10	40 min
[other]	8:11	8:12	1 min
[other]	8:12	8:25	13 min
[other]	8:25	8:28	3 min
Important Task	8:55	9:04	33 min lost, 9 min worked
[other]	9:29	9:47	25 min lost, 18 min worked
Block-breaking	11:58		2 hours 11 minutes lost

The warning signs are pretty clear; I spent a little time on a few things (email is fine, but the others look not-great to me), stalled a half hour before really starting on the Important Task, worked a little on it, switched to something else after incurring a long delay, then stalled for another 2 hours (!). When I look at my past work logs, this is pretty typical, and adds up to a day where I only get a few hours of real work done despite a lot of time in my office.

I can't quickly tell whether I usually get the important task done on the day that I attempt it (i.e. whether those few hours actually accomplish what I wanted to do), or whether it usually has to wait until later in the week. I am pretty confident that I get these tasks done in the week that I attempt them, though.

An obvious option is to work on other things. I don't like this option much; Important Tasks tend to hang over me, and they usually are really time-sensitive.

My experience of these things is that I don't feel like doing them. Lately, they've been pretty complicated pieces of work. They're not something I can do without really paying attention; typically it feels like there's not an easy entry point. In this case, I have a list of parts of the project, and it doesn't feel easy to start on any one of them without loading the whole thing into my brain. I don't feel like loading it into my brain, so I can't start.

[Goes to look at list of parts] A lot of these are also kind of vague, like "figure out x".

[Looks at list again] What if I just had to do one of these? That seems like it wouldn't be hard. I think they feel like they interfere with one another. Maybe I'll just pretend like they don't. That seems like a thing to try.

...after I take a shower.

[Later] Now I'm giving this a shot. Starting on the first subtask...
[Later] Actually trying now.
[Later] Augh, actually doing it now.

Oh gosh, this is not fun, but it is happening. Each of these is a little puzzle, and would be easier to deal with if I had some information that I don't have. First subtask finished, moving to the next.

This seems to have worked, though I'm still slower than I'd like. I'll keep using this when I encounter projects like this that have subtasks; maybe I'll get better at it.

Update: this process seems to have worked well this time, though it worked a lot better when I started fresh on it this morning. I do tend to be better at getting going on tough tasks from a standstill than when I've already worked some, so I'll probably try to identify similar tasks in the future and wait to try them until I can start first thing in the morning.

Also, live-blogging has been much more successful than my previous attempts to solve this problem. +1 for thinking out loud, I guess!

Peak Experiences

Lately, I've been using the phrase "peak experiences" to refer to really unusually good experiences. Maslow defined peak experiences as "rare, exciting, oceanic, deeply moving, exhilarating, elevating experiences that generate an advanced form of perceiving reality, and are even mystic and magical in their effect upon the experimenter", and associated them with "self-actualizing individuals". I'm not sure I'm describing the same thing, and I'm skeptical that the experiences I'm talking about have to do with "self-actualization". For now, just beware that I'm using "peak experience" to mean "really really good experience".

From talking to friends, I get the impression that some people have fairly infrequent peak experiences that are much better than their average experiences, and some people don't. I'm the former sort of person; operationally, my peak experiences are good enough that I think I'd be willing to trade between a day and two weeks of average experiences for a single peak experience (lasting maybe 30 seconds to a few minutes), assuming all other effects of this trade are neutral. I'm not sure what my rate actually is because I haven't figured out how to make that kind of trade, especially in a way that makes other effects of these trades neutral.

How frequent are my peak experiences, and what are they like? I think I need a more explicit picture of what peak experiences look like in order to get a feeling for frequency; if I don't really know what they look like, it's hard for me to retrospectively say how often they happen (though I could just keep a counter in the future to get better data). I also think it'd be nice to have better vocabulary for peak experiences because then maybe I'd notice and appreciate them more, the same way having a better vocabulary for experiences of food, music, or movies helps me appreciate them more.

Here's an attempt at listing categories of peak experience that I've had, with made-up names that are supposed to get the gist across. I've left out a couple of things that aren't polite to blog about, and are probably obvious :) I'm sure I'm missing some categories or cutting things the wrong way in some cases, and it'd be interesting to find out whether other folks share these categories.

Frisson: actual frisson, a physical tingle or shiver along with a feeling of intense emotional response and emotion to an idea, a piece of music, or both. Often includes tearing up. It's a little embarrassing to give examples of what causes this in me, and I'm not sure why; it feels closely linked to the deepest and scariest-to-expose parts of my personal experience.
- Duration: up to a minute?
- Frequency: several times a week, probably?

On Fire: a feeling of excitement and cockiness about my work and the work of my community more generally. A feeling that my particular skills and idiosyncrasies line up really well with what I'm doing with my life. Sometimes related to reflecting on recent achievements. Kind of manic, but in a pleasant way. Check out how this guy dances; confident! (The end of that video is great, by the way.)
- Duration: a few minutes to 15 minutes?
- Frequency: once every week or two?

Deep Connection: hard to describe; a feeling of the removal of barriers between me and a person or people I'm with, or between me and the rest of the world. It feels like a lot of machinery that normally goes into charting my individual course through the world is turned off, and I'm not calculating risks and benefits anymore. I haven't had this happen without alcohol and a very comfortable social setting (that I'm in or have just left). If I'm alone, music helps a lot.
- Duration: a minute?
- Frequency: not sure; no more than a few times per year.

Pinch Me: this is a feeling I get when I realize I'm in a situation that's way outside what I expected in my gut (in a good way). For example, standing in the back of a water taxi speeding between islands in Venice at sunset (humblebrag!). It's sort of like a really nice form of incredulity, a feeling that a long-shot bet taken on a whim has paid off, or a feeling that I don't have any reasonable right to be experiencing this, but not in a way that pulls me out of the moment or makes me feel guilty about it.
- Duration: a few minutes to a half-hour?
- Frequency: maybe once or twice a year. By their nature, it seems like these can't happen very often.

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A few notes from making this list:

• Three of these categories are basically solitary, and the fourth (deep connection) I think I experience in a basically solitary way, despite it being about removing barriers between me and others / the world. This feels like a property of my intense experiences generally (good and bad). Is this correct, or typical?
• Music is a big factor!
• Higher-order awareness: it's tempting to think that these feelings are naturally higher-order ones, where being aware of the experience is part of the experience. I'm not sure this is right; certainly the only peak experiences I can report are ones that I took note of (e.g. by noticing the distinctive physical sensations of frisson), but I think these experiences would still be good if I wasn't taking note of them. Maybe there are whole categories that I wasn't very aware of, and so can't report!
• Flow is missing; I don't think I've experienced it. Ditto for anything involving raising kids.

This post felt pretty navel-gazey, and I'm generally skeptical that introspection of this kind translates well to writing -- everyone's experiences are different, and the insights that I have about myself might not be very applicable to others. I think I'll try to limit posts that are just about me and my experiences, but this is one I've been meaning to write for a while, so I'm glad I got it out there. (It also resulted in me changing my list of categories, which is useful for me.)

Like a Boss

(This is not the blog post I meant to write, but I kinda got into it! Fun!)

Eventually, I might want or need to be a boss.

I don't think this is a natural role for me, and I think in general it's fairly hard to do well. I've been impressed with my current boss (good thing this blog is anonymous), so I wanted to take some notes. If I ever do become a boss, I'll probably do a couple interviews with good bosses to find out more.

So, here's my current simplistic model of how to be a boss (in fields like mine, where people aren't necessarily filling pre-defined roles):

0. Hire people you feel really good about; a good rule of thumb might be being confident that they'll be great at at least one mission-relevant thing.

1. Ask the person to do something that is mission-relevant and that they're good at. You probably hired them for their ability at some task, or with a suspicion that they'd be good at something; start them there. If you didn't hire them, maybe ask the person who did. If you strike out here, move to step 2.

My most likely mistakes on this step:

• Trying to get this person to do whatever is most mission-critical, regardless of whether they're good at it.
• Not asking them to do anything because what they're good at doesn't seem mission-critical enough.
• Not wanting to give people tasks because I think I'd be better at them. (This is a mistake because you have to push through this in order to get gains from having employees.)
• Asking a person what they want to do; this just pushes the boss' job onto them.

2. Figure out what (else) they're good at, among mission-relevant things, and ask them to do those things. Most people are good at a variety of things, and some of those will be mission-relevant. Ways to do this:

• Ask them what they think they were best at at their previous job.
• If they had a good boss or good co-workers at their last job, ask those people what they were best at.
• Guess what they might be good at, and ask them "How would you feel about doing x? I'm wondering if you'd be good at general class of things X, and this would be a good way to get some information about it."
• Ask them if they've seen anyone else at your org doing a kind of task they think they'd be good at. This is a little risky, since it kind of pushes the boss' job onto them.

My most likely mistakes on this step: again, probably being too exacting about what is mission-relevant.

There are some other things that seem good, but less critical, to me:

• Gauge autonomy; different people need different kinds and amounts of guidance.
• Give performance feedback.
• Actually care about their life, and show it.
• Get data about how their work is going, and demonstrate that you won't abuse that data (and that you'll use it to help them). I suspect "what an employee is doing" is very mysterious, and any data you can get will help, but giving data (like a timesheet of what they did and how long it took) is a vulnerable place for an employee, so you have to acknowledge their fears of being judged and demonstrate that you won't abuse this privilege.

Overall, the thing that a boss seems to need to do, in addition to being cool to people, is hold a picture in their head of what tasks are mission-relevant and what capabilities employees have, and then pair people with tasks in a sensible way. I'm sure there's a lot more to it, but I didn't have this basic model before, so it feels like progress to me.

Hair-trigger mood and imposter syndrome

I can definitely relate to this post. I have a somewhat different take; maybe this means that I'm experiencing a different psychological situation with similar symptoms, or maybe it's a different view on the same basic phenomenon.

When things start to go wrong -- either mundane things like persistent messes or less-than-optimal personal interactions, or bigger things like an entire day where I don't get my work goals done -- I tend to feel much worse than I think the situation warrants. How to explain this?

I think it feels like my brain is in danger mode -- like my brain thinks my life is on the edge of total collapse, and one thing going poorly could push things over the edge. This could be in terms of my own happiness (that my personal life satisfaction could be pushed from positive to negative because of one mishap), or in terms of success at my various projects (that my work or relationships could fall apart because of one mistake). This is strange, because I get a lot of evidence regularly that things are going fine, and positive feedback from bosses, co-workers, and loved ones that I'm doing well.

More specifically, it feels to me like I'm on the edge of failing to fulfill some roles, like the role of Good Boyfriend, Good Employee, or Competent Adult. This focus on roles, along with the positive feedback I'm obviously getting, suggests to me that what's actually going on is something like imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome fits: I get a lot of positive feedback because I can keep people fooled, but just a small number of slips could let someone see through the façade. I didn't think about imposter syndrome before, because I usually associate it with doubting abilities, and I'm pretty confident in my abilities; it's my ability to fit these roles, or maybe something like my virtues (diligence, conscientiousness, general competence at being adult) that are at play here.

So what do you do about imposter syndrome? A few obvious options:

1. Get better calibrated, and come to appreciate that I'm actually fulfilling these roles pretty well (my performance is higher than I thought).
2. Decide not to try to play these roles.
3. Find out that I have the wrong idea about these roles and what they imply (the requirements are lower than I thought; the thing I'm an imposter of is imagined).

I think I've actually had the most success with option 3. The main thing that's happened lately is that I've found out that hardly anyone fulfills these roles the way I have in mind -- nobody (or almost nobody) is the Competent Adult or Good Employee that I'm thinking of, and I'm actually well within the typical distribution of performance. This has just come from talking to people more openly about my difficulties and hearing that they have similar difficulties. My high standards were mostly imaginary.

Another thing that's helped is finding out that when people see my problems, they don't conclude that I'm an imposter. A big example is when I recently had a really bad work week. I logged like 10 hours of actual work, and dreaded having my weekly check-in with my boss. Instead of firing or (more likely) lecturing me, he said "eh, that happens to me sometime -- I'm a pretty high-variance worker", and asked whether anything was going on in my personal or work life that was affecting my ability to get work done. That was awesome!

I do worry that getting over this will lower my standards and result in worse performance, but I actually think it's more likely to improve my performance -- I waste enough energy worrying about this stuff, and being frozen / de-motivated as a result, that I think avoiding this kind of situation will more than offset any drop in performance from exorcising these imagined roles (and I haven't actually seen that kind of effect in practice at all yet, so I'm not sure it'll really happen).

Final note: this expansion of the applicability of imposter syndrome also provides a nice explanation for my difficulties with vacationing successfully -- I'm worried enough about being a Good Vacationer that I'm not paying attention to what I'd like to do in the moment. This suggests that option 2 -- abandoning the idea of playing roles -- might be the best solution here. I'm excited to give it a try!

Lots of presents

I just noticed a funny thing. I'm traveling for work, and I'm very picky about what I bring; I'm a light packer (one shoulder bag for a week trip), but I like to be as prepared as possible. Here are some of the things I have with me:

• Timbuktu bag (present from my parents)
• Down vest to stay warm (present from my parents)
• Rain jacket (present from my parents)
• Spacepak clean/dirty clothes bag (wedding present I think?)
• Socks (present from Killian's parents)
• Headphones (present from Killian)
• More socks (present from Killian's parents again!)
• Peacock-feather-pattern dress shirt (present from my parents)

Isn't that nice? I think the majority of the things I have with me are presents from someone! And I'm staying with friends, so that's like a present, too. I have a reputation for being hard to buy presents for, but apparently people are doing great at it!